Jokomedy

WW #25

2009-11-04T09:03:00.001+05:30

A stone's throw...

2009-11-02T05:13:00.000+05:30

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

The Bible According to Kids II : Thursday Thirteen #24

2009-10-29T04:32:00.000+05:30

Aaaand... here's the 2nd edition of the same.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

3. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

5. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

6. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

7. Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

8. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

9. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

10. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

11. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

12. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

13. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

WW #24

2009-10-28T08:55:00.001+05:30

Water in the carburetor

2009-10-25T05:09:00.000+05:30

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

The Bible According to Kids I : Thursday Thirteen #23

2009-10-22T04:32:00.000+05:30

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) I died of laughter when I read these. My next TT will be a continuation of these only :D

1. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

2. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

3. Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

4. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

5. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

6. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

7. He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

8. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

9. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

10. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

11. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

12. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

13. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

WW #23

2009-10-21T08:55:00.001+05:30

Lawyers playing poker...

2009-10-19T05:09:00.000+05:30

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) : Thursday Thirteen #22

2009-10-15T03:38:00.000+05:30

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

WW #22

2009-10-14T08:55:00.001+05:30

Skydiving

2009-10-11T05:08:00.001+05:30

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Thirteen Lines of WORK : Thursday Thirteen #21

2009-10-08T04:32:00.001+05:30

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

WW #21

2009-10-07T08:55:00.002+05:30

God will save me.

2009-10-04T05:08:00.000+05:30

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away.

The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments : Thursday Thirteen #20

2009-10-01T01:56:00.003+05:30

1. Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

2. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

3. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

4. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

5. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

6. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

7. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

8. Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

9. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

10. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

11. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

12. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

13. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

WW #20

2009-09-30T08:55:00.001+05:30

The Island

2009-09-28T05:07:00.000+05:30

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers: Thursday Thirteen #19

2009-09-24T04:06:00.000+05:30

1. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

2. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

3. Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

4. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

5. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

6. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

7. 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

8. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

9. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

10. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

WW #19

2009-09-23T08:55:00.001+05:30

Little Tim's Goldfish

2009-09-20T05:00:00.000+05:30

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

Lessons learnt by a parent : Thursday Thirteen #18

2009-09-17T04:08:00.000+05:30

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

WW #18

2009-09-16T08:54:00.001+05:30

Aches and Pains

2009-09-12T04:32:00.000+05:30

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Automobile Acronyms! : Thursday Thirteen #17

2009-09-10T04:08:00.000+05:30

AUDI
1. Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
2. Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
3. Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
4. Big Money Works
5. Bought My Wife
6. Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
7. Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
8. Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
9. Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
10. Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
11. Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
12. Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
13. Fix It All the Time

And I really can't help this... so here goes!
14. Fix It Again, Tony!

WW #17

2009-09-09T08:47:00.001+05:30

Ouch!!

2009-09-07T04:58:00.000+05:30

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "

No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Deep rooted delusion...

2009-09-06T05:01:00.000+05:30

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

Have you ever wondered : Thursday Thirteen #16

2009-09-03T04:08:00.000+05:30

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. What did cured ham actually have?

9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

13. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?

WW #16

2009-09-02T08:47:00.001+05:30

When I was your age...

2009-08-30T04:32:00.000+05:30

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

You know you're Old when : Thursday Thirteen #15

2009-08-27T04:08:00.000+05:30

1. Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

4. You get winded playing chess.

5. Your children begin to look middle-aged.

6. You join a health club and don't go.

7. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

8. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

9. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

10. You look forward to a dull evening.

11. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

12. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

13. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

WW #15

2009-08-26T08:47:00.001+05:30

Tip the pizza delivery boy

2009-08-24T02:22:00.000+05:30

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Sherlock Holmes

2009-08-22T01:03:00.000+05:30

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Someone's stolen our tent!!"

CIA: Computer Industry Acronyms : Thursday Thirteen #14

2009-08-20T04:08:00.000+05:30

1. CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
2. PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
3. ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
4. MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
5. DOS: Defunct Operating System
6. WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
7. OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
8. PnP: Plug and Pray
9. APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
10. IBM: I Blame Microsoft
11. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
12. COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
13. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

WW #14

2009-08-19T07:56:00.001+05:30

What's 2*2??

2009-08-15T04:23:00.000+05:30

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4"

All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"

Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Car Insurance Excuses : Thursday Thirteen #13

2009-08-13T04:06:00.000+05:30

1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
3. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
4. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
5. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
6. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
8. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
9. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
10. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
11. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
12. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
13. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

WW #13

2009-08-12T07:55:00.001+05:30

Loud, mad, or sad

2009-08-10T01:21:00.000+05:30

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A parent's terrors of life

2009-08-07T01:20:00.000+05:30

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep : Thursday Thirteen #12

2009-08-06T02:56:00.001+05:30

13. Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

12. Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

11. If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

10. If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

9. If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?

8. If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

7. What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

6. What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

5. Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

4. Why do pigs have curly tails?

3. Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

2. Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

1. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

WW #12

2009-08-05T07:55:00.001+05:30

Psychiatrist phone

2009-08-03T01:20:00.000+05:30

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Lonely...

2009-08-01T01:19:00.000+05:30

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Think About It... : Thursday Thirteen #11

2009-07-30T02:53:00.001+05:30

13. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

12. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

11. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

7. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

4. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

3. To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

2. Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.

1. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

WW #11

2009-07-29T02:55:00.001+05:30

Chicken

2009-07-27T01:18:00.000+05:30

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Crazy Talk

2009-07-25T01:17:00.000+05:30

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Thoughts on Aging : Thursday Thirteen #10

2009-07-23T01:48:00.001+05:30

13. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

12. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

11. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

10. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

9. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

8. You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

7. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

6. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

5. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

4. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

3. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

2. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

1. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

WW #10

2009-07-22T07:55:00.001+05:30

Interviewing Crazy

2009-07-20T09:16:00.000+05:30

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Fixing an Ailment

2009-07-17T09:14:00.000+05:30

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA : Thursday Thirteen #9

2009-07-16T03:19:00.000+05:30

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

13. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

12. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

11. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

10. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

9. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

8. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

6. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

5. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

4. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

3. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

2. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

1. Get the parachutes ready...

WW #9

2009-07-15T07:49:00.001+05:30

Finish the Start

2009-07-13T01:13:00.001+05:30

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Lessons Learned By a Parent : Thursday Thirteen #8

2009-07-09T03:19:00.001+05:30

13. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.

12. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

11. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

10. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.

9. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

8. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

6. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

4. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

3. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

2. Super glue is forever.

1. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Meeting

2009-07-08T09:13:00.001+05:30

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

WW #8

2009-07-08T07:49:00.001+05:30

I wasn't !!

2009-07-05T09:08:00.001+05:30

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."

Iceberg??

2009-07-03T09:03:00.002+05:30

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

New Old Sayings : Thursday Thirteen #7

2009-07-02T03:11:00.001+05:30

13. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.

12. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

11. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

10. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

9. Great groups from little icons grow.

8. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

6. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

5. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

4. The modem is the message.

3. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

2. The geek shall inherit the earth.

1. A chat has nine lives.

WW #7

2009-07-01T01:49:00.000+05:30

Are caterpillars good to eat?

2009-06-28T01:40:00.000+05:30

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams : Thursday Thirteen #6

2009-06-25T03:11:00.000+05:30

13. The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

12. Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

11. Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

10. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

9. Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

8. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

7. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

6. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

5. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

4. A harp is a nude piano.

3. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

2. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

1. My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

WW #6

2009-06-24T19:42:00.000+05:30

The perfect man

2009-06-21T19:36:00.000+05:30

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

George and Moses

2009-06-20T19:38:00.000+05:30

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".

How To Please Your I.T. Department : Thursday Thirteen #5

2009-06-18T02:59:00.001+05:30

(A quick check list for those who need to make contact)

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

WW #5

2009-06-17T01:42:00.003+05:30

Last will & testament of a farmer

2009-06-15T01:35:00.000+05:30

I LEAVE:
To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Mom's Present

2009-06-13T02:35:00.001+05:30

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Newspaper Ads : Thursday Thirteen #4

2009-06-11T02:59:00.001+05:30

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

13. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

12. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

10. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

9. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

8. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

7. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

6. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

5. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

3. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

2. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

1. Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

WW #4

2009-06-10T01:42:00.000+05:30

Chancy Exam

2009-06-08T01:33:00.000+05:30

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

Eat the watermelons

2009-06-07T04:43:00.000+05:30

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola : Thursday Thirteen #3

2009-06-04T02:51:00.001+05:30

13. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

12. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

11. Bake a cake : using just a normal cake mix, add only a can of soda, bake normally. It honestly turns out very tasty.

10. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

9. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

8. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

7. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

5. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

4. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

3. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

1. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

WW #3

2009-06-03T01:42:00.000+05:30

Custom Software

2009-06-02T04:43:00.000+05:30

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?""Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied."So, what happens if you press [key combination]?""Nothing.""Well, humor me. Do it for me.""Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

Shot With a Bow

2009-05-31T04:43:00.000+05:30

Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children."

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When... : Thursday Thirteen #2

2009-05-28T03:50:00.000+05:30

13. Instant coffee takes too long

12. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

11. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

10. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

9. You sleep with your eyes open

8. You have to watch videos in fast-forward

7. You lick your coffee pot clean

6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

4. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

3. You can jump-start your car without cables

2. Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

1. You don't sweat, you percolate

Little Tim's Goldfish

2009-05-27T04:43:00.000+05:30

WW #2

2009-05-27T01:42:00.000+05:30

Flies on a Log

2009-05-22T04:40:00.000+05:30

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

Cops say the darndest things : Thursday Thirteen #1

2009-05-21T07:40:00.001+05:30

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

WW #1

2009-05-20T07:42:00.000+05:30

Airline Rage

2009-05-19T16:40:00.000+05:30

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

Young and Foolish

2009-05-17T16:40:00.000+05:30

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Did you see that?

2009-05-15T16:40:00.000+05:30

"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks. "
Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

What was the problem

2009-05-12T16:38:00.000+05:30

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

George and Moses

2009-05-09T16:38:00.000+05:30

6th Grade History

2009-05-06T16:37:00.001+05:30

Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests:

1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Slow Sammy

2009-05-05T16:35:00.000+05:30

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"

I'm the boss!!

2009-05-03T16:34:00.000+05:30

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Jokomedy

2009-04-28T13:17:00.002+05:30

Welcome to my brand new blog... Jokomedy - The Comedy of Jokes...!!