| Wednesday, September 30, 2009 |
| WW #20 |
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posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM  |
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| Monday, September 28, 2009 |
| The Island |
| From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:07 AM |
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| Thursday, September 24, 2009 |
| Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers: Thursday Thirteen #19 |
1. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
2. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
3. Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
4. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
5. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
6. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
7. 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
8. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
9. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
10. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:06 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 23, 2009 |
| WW #19 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM |
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| Sunday, September 20, 2009 |
| Little Tim's Goldfish |
| Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:00 AM |
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| Thursday, September 17, 2009 |
| Lessons learnt by a parent : Thursday Thirteen #18 |
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:08 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 16, 2009 |
| WW #18 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:54 AM |
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| Saturday, September 12, 2009 |
| Aches and Pains |
| At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:32 AM |
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| Thursday, September 10, 2009 |
| Automobile Acronyms! : Thursday Thirteen #17 |
AUDI
1. Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
2. Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
3. Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
4. Big Money Works
5. Bought My Wife
6. Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
7. Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
8. Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
9. Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
10. Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
11. Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
12. Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
13. Fix It All the Time
And I really can't help this... so here goes!
14. Fix It Again, Tony! |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:08 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 9, 2009 |
| WW #17 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:47 AM |
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| Monday, September 7, 2009 |
| Ouch!! |
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:58 AM |
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| Sunday, September 6, 2009 |
| Deep rooted delusion... |
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:01 AM |
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| Thursday, September 3, 2009 |
| Have you ever wondered : Thursday Thirteen #16 |
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. What did cured ham actually have?
9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television? |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:08 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 2, 2009 |
| WW #16 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:47 AM |
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