| Sunday, May 31, 2009 |
| Shot With a Bow |
| Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children." |
posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:43 AM  |
|
|
|
| Thursday, May 28, 2009 |
| You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When... : Thursday Thirteen #2 |
13. Instant coffee takes too long
12. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
11. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
10. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
9. You sleep with your eyes open
8. You have to watch videos in fast-forward
7. You lick your coffee pot clean
6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
4. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
3. You can jump-start your car without cables
2. Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
1. You don't sweat, you percolate |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:50 AM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, May 27, 2009 |
| Little Tim's Goldfish |
| Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:43 AM |
|
|
|
|
| WW #2 |
 |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:42 AM |
|
|
|
| Friday, May 22, 2009 |
| Flies on a Log |
| Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:40 AM |
|
|
|
| Thursday, May 21, 2009 |
| Cops say the darndest things : Thursday Thirteen #1 |
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!
|
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:40 AM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, May 20, 2009 |
| WW #1 |
 |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:42 AM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, May 19, 2009 |
| Airline Rage |
| As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:40 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, May 17, 2009 |
| Young and Foolish |
| A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:40 PM |
|
|
|
| Friday, May 15, 2009 |
| Did you see that? |
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks. "
Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:40 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, May 12, 2009 |
| What was the problem |
| Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:38 PM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, May 9, 2009 |
| George and Moses |
| George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness". |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:38 PM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, May 6, 2009 |
| 6th Grade History |
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests:
1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:37 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, May 5, 2009 |
| Slow Sammy |
| A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:35 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, May 3, 2009 |
| I'm the boss!! |
| The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:34 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
