| Sunday, June 28, 2009 |
| Are caterpillars good to eat? |
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone. |
posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:40 AM  |
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| Thursday, June 25, 2009 |
| Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams : Thursday Thirteen #6 |
13. The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
12. Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
11. Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
10. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
9. Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
8. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
7. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
6. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
5. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
4. A harp is a nude piano.
3. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
2. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
1. My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:11 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 24, 2009 |
| WW #6 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:42 PM |
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| Sunday, June 21, 2009 |
| The perfect man |
| At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:36 PM |
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| Saturday, June 20, 2009 |
| George and Moses |
| George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness". |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:38 PM |
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| Thursday, June 18, 2009 |
| How To Please Your I.T. Department : Thursday Thirteen #5 |
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact)
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:59 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 17, 2009 |
| WW #5 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:42 AM |
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| Monday, June 15, 2009 |
| Last will & testament of a farmer |
I LEAVE:
To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:35 AM |
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| Saturday, June 13, 2009 |
| Mom's Present |
| A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:35 AM |
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| Thursday, June 11, 2009 |
| Newspaper Ads : Thursday Thirteen #4 |
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
13. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
12. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
10. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
9. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
8. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
7. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
6. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
5. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
3. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
2. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
1. Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:59 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 10, 2009 |
| WW #4 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:42 AM |
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| Monday, June 8, 2009 |
| Chancy Exam |
| A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:33 AM |
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| Sunday, June 7, 2009 |
| Eat the watermelons |
| The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:43 AM |
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| Thursday, June 4, 2009 |
| The Many Uses of Coca-Cola : Thursday Thirteen #3 |
13. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
12. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
11. Bake a cake : using just a normal cake mix, add only a can of soda, bake normally. It honestly turns out very tasty.
10. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
9. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
8. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
7. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
5. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
4. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
3. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.
1. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up! |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:51 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 3, 2009 |
| WW #3 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:42 AM |
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| Tuesday, June 2, 2009 |
| Custom Software |
| My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?""Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied."So, what happens if you press [key combination]?""Nothing.""Well, humor me. Do it for me.""Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:43 AM |
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