| Thursday, October 29, 2009 |
| The Bible According to Kids II : Thursday Thirteen #24 |
Aaaand... here's the 2nd edition of the same.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
3. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
5. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
6. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
7. Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
8. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
9. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
10. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
11. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
12. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
13. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. |
posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:32 AM  |
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| Wednesday, October 28, 2009 |
| WW #24 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM |
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| Sunday, October 25, 2009 |
| Water in the carburetor |
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:09 AM |
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| Thursday, October 22, 2009 |
| The Bible According to Kids I : Thursday Thirteen #23 |
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) I died of laughter when I read these. My next TT will be a continuation of these only :D
1. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
2. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
3. Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
4. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
5. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
6. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
7. He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
8. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
9. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
10. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
11. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
12. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
13. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:32 AM |
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| Wednesday, October 21, 2009 |
| WW #23 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM |
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| Monday, October 19, 2009 |
| Lawyers playing poker... |
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:09 AM |
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| Thursday, October 15, 2009 |
| What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) : Thursday Thirteen #22 |
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking). |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:38 AM |
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| Wednesday, October 14, 2009 |
| WW #22 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM |
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| Sunday, October 11, 2009 |
| Skydiving |
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:08 AM |
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| Thursday, October 8, 2009 |
| Thirteen Lines of WORK : Thursday Thirteen #21 |
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes... |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:32 AM |
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| Wednesday, October 7, 2009 |
| WW #21 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:55 AM |
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| Sunday, October 4, 2009 |
| God will save me. |
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away.
The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"
Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"
St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 5:08 AM |
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| Thursday, October 1, 2009 |
| Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments : Thursday Thirteen #20 |
1. Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
2. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
3. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
4. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
5. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
6. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
7. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
8. Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
9. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
10. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
11. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
12. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
13. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:56 AM |
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