| Sunday, August 30, 2009 |
| When I was your age... |
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." |
posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:32 AM  |
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| Thursday, August 27, 2009 |
| You know you're Old when : Thursday Thirteen #15 |
1. Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
4. You get winded playing chess.
5. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
6. You join a health club and don't go.
7. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
8. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
9. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
10. You look forward to a dull evening.
11. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
12. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
13. You stop looking forward to your next birthday. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:08 AM |
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| Wednesday, August 26, 2009 |
| WW #15 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 8:47 AM |
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| Monday, August 24, 2009 |
| Tip the pizza delivery boy |
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:22 AM |
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| Saturday, August 22, 2009 |
| Sherlock Holmes |
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Someone's stolen our tent!!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:03 AM |
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| Thursday, August 20, 2009 |
| CIA: Computer Industry Acronyms : Thursday Thirteen #14 |
1. CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
2. PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
3. ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
4. MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
5. DOS: Defunct Operating System
6. WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
7. OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
8. PnP: Plug and Pray
9. APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
10. IBM: I Blame Microsoft
11. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
12. COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
13. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:08 AM |
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| Wednesday, August 19, 2009 |
| WW #14 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:56 AM |
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| Saturday, August 15, 2009 |
| What's 2*2?? |
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:23 AM |
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| Thursday, August 13, 2009 |
| Car Insurance Excuses : Thursday Thirteen #13 |
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
3. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
4. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
5. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
6. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
8. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
9. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
10. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
11. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
12. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
13. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 4:06 AM |
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| Wednesday, August 12, 2009 |
| WW #13 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:55 AM |
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| Monday, August 10, 2009 |
| Loud, mad, or sad |
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:21 AM |
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| Friday, August 7, 2009 |
| A parent's terrors of life |
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Dorothy |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:20 AM |
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| Thursday, August 6, 2009 |
| Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep : Thursday Thirteen #12 |
13. Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
12. Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
11. If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
10. If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
9. If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
8. If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
7. What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
6. What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
5. Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
4. Why do pigs have curly tails?
3. Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
2. Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
1. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:56 AM |
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| Wednesday, August 5, 2009 |
| WW #12 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:55 AM |
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| Monday, August 3, 2009 |
| Psychiatrist phone |
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:20 AM |
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| Saturday, August 1, 2009 |
| Lonely... |
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:19 AM |
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