| Thursday, July 30, 2009 |
| Think About It... : Thursday Thirteen #11 |
13. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
12. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
11. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
7. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
4. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
3. To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
2. Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
1. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. |
posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:53 AM  |
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| Wednesday, July 29, 2009 |
| WW #11 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 2:55 AM |
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| Monday, July 27, 2009 |
| Chicken |
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:18 AM |
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| Saturday, July 25, 2009 |
| Crazy Talk |
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:17 AM |
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| Thursday, July 23, 2009 |
| Thoughts on Aging : Thursday Thirteen #10 |
13. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
12. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
11. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
10. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
9. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
8. You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
7. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
6. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
5. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
4. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
3. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
2. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
1. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:48 AM |
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| Wednesday, July 22, 2009 |
| WW #10 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:55 AM |
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| Monday, July 20, 2009 |
| Interviewing Crazy |
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 9:16 AM |
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| Friday, July 17, 2009 |
| Fixing an Ailment |
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 9:14 AM |
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| Thursday, July 16, 2009 |
| Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA : Thursday Thirteen #9 |
Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
13. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
12. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
11. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
10. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
9. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
8. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
6. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
5. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
4. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
3. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
2. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
1. Get the parachutes ready... |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:19 AM |
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| Wednesday, July 15, 2009 |
| WW #9 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:49 AM |
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| Monday, July 13, 2009 |
| Finish the Start |
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:13 AM |
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| Thursday, July 9, 2009 |
| Lessons Learned By a Parent : Thursday Thirteen #8 |
13. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.
12. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
11. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
10. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
9. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
8. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
6. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
4. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
3. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
2. Super glue is forever.
1. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:19 AM |
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| Wednesday, July 8, 2009 |
| Meeting |
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 9:13 AM |
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| WW #8 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 7:49 AM |
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| Sunday, July 5, 2009 |
| I wasn't !! |
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 9:08 AM |
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| Friday, July 3, 2009 |
| Iceberg?? |
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same." |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 9:03 AM |
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| Thursday, July 2, 2009 |
| New Old Sayings : Thursday Thirteen #7 |
13. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
12. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
11. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
10. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
9. Great groups from little icons grow.
8. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
6. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
5. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
4. The modem is the message.
3. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
2. The geek shall inherit the earth.
1. A chat has nine lives. |
| posted by Comedy Joker @ 3:11 AM |
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| Wednesday, July 1, 2009 |
| WW #7 |
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| posted by Comedy Joker @ 1:49 AM |
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